What Is Self-Empathy? How Empathy for “Future You” Makes You Better

“Self-empathy” may seem like an oxymoron—but it’s actually a remarkable quality that will help you increase your emotional intelligence.

Have you ever made a decision—or a series of decisions—and when everything was said and done, you asked yourself:

What in the world was I thinking?

Here’s what I mean…Have you ever:

• procrastinated for a big project, only to feel stressed when the deadline came?
• set the wrong priorities, but only realized after it was too late?
• failed to prepare well, and everything went wrong?
• said “yes” to too many things, leading you to feel burned out?
• said or done something stupid, harming your relationship?

We all have. And usually, we regret making those decisions.

Why does this happen?

Much has to do with the failure to show what I like to call:

Self-empathy.

What is self-empathy? And how can showing it help you improve and get better at life? Let’s break it down.

What is self-empathy?

At first glance, this is a strange term. By definition, empathy is the ability to understand or share the thoughts and feelings of another person.

So, how can you have empathy for yourself?

Well, self-empathy is the ability to understand or share the thoughts or feelings of your future self.

In other words, a lack of self-empathy means you don’t comprehend how the future version of “you” is going to think and feel about your decisions.

You don’t recognize the pain that WILL RESULT from not starting earlier, not preparing well, saying yes to everything, etc.

Don’t feel bad. Just like showing empathy for others is hard, showing self-empathy is hard, too. A big reason for that is something called the perspective gap.

Using “future you” to bridge the perspective gap

The perspective gap (or empathy gap) is this: If you’re not experiencing a situation right now, you dramatically underestimate how that situation will affect you.

The perspective gap is why it can be hard to empathize with a complaining colleague (or spouse, or friend), even though we complain when we face tough situations. The perspective gap is also why your “present self” sometimes makes dumb decisions that your “future self” has to deal with.

Today, I want to share a mental model that can help you see into the future, so you make better decisions now.

That mental model is called: “Future you.”

As you make decisions about how to spend your time, start asking yourself:

How is future [your name here] going to feel about this?

By actually using your name (not simply “future me”), it helps separate your present thoughts and feelings from your future ones.

Asking that question, and answering honestly, can help you to realize:

• Future [your name] is going to be super stressed if I don’t get started right now.
• Future [your name] is going to regret doing all this stuff that doesn’t matter, instead of this other important task.
• Future [your name] is going to bomb this presentation if you doesn’t prepare well.
• Future [your name] is going to hate me if I say yes to one more thing, so I better start saying no.
• Future [your name] will be much better off if I don’t say this thing that doesn’t really need to be said.

Yes, “present you” and “future you” are essentially the same person. But there’s one clear difference: Future knows how it ends. Future You has experience—and the benefits that experience brings.

Of course, Future You isn’t perfect. So, asking this question won’t guarantee that you’ll make great decisions all the time. And like all the tools in my EQ Toolkit, “future you” takes time and practice to get good at using it.

But the more you ask this question, the more you’ll be thinking about “Future You.” The more you’ll start to bridge the perspective gap. And the more you’ll build self-empathy.

Believe me, Future You will thank you.

Here’s another tool that will help you make better decisions by giving you a glimpse into the future:
The Golden Question.