The Dishwasher Rule: Build Trust and Become a Better Leader

The ‘dishwasher rule’ is a memory aid that helps you lead with emotional intelligence.

Why in the world would you do it that way?

I stared at the dishwasher with a puzzled look. For the life of me, I couldn’t comprehend why my wife would load the cup saucers in the front. I always put them in the back where they fit so well.

“Well, look, these slots are skinnier so they fit perfectly here,” my wife calmly explained. “And then you can put bowls here, and cups here.”

“Madness,” I thought to myself.

While my wife and I have completely different ways of loading the dishwasher—don’t get me started on whether silverware should go handle up or down—I’ve come to learn an important lesson in 17 years of marriage. How the dishwasher is loaded isn’t so important. After all, whoever does the dishes, they always get clean.

Which leads to an important point:

There’s more than one way to load a dishwasher.

This nine-word sentence is more than a simple maxim, it’s a rule I use to help me practice emotional intelligence. How can this simple sentence help you be a better business owner and leader? It all comes down to why you get emotionally attached to your way of doing things in the first place.

The beauty of diversity

Perspectives are different. Ways of doing things are different.

But variety is a good thing: It allows for creativity. Individualism. Freedom of expression.

Of course, as a business owner you may want things done a certain way, and you likely have a reason for doing so. But does it always have to be your way or the highway? You may find that giving your people more of that freedom and space can make for a more emotionally intelligent workspace.

To help you do that, you may find it helpful to consider why you get so emotionally attached to your way of doing things in the first place. Why does the way someone else loads the dishwasher—or the way they complete an assignment at work—frustrate us, irritate us, or upset us?

Why you get emotionally attached to ideas

Our personalities are endlessly complex, but researchers have simplified them by focusing on five major traits, known as the Big Five (or the OCEAN model):

• Openness (or Openness to experience)
• Conscientiousness
• Extraversion
• Agreeableness
• Neuroticism

Your level of conscientiousness partially determines how structured you like things. Your openness level helps determine how much you like routine, and how hard it is when others disrupt that routine. And your agreeableness level influences how much you value your opinion over others’.

Each of these traits will have a bearing on how you deal with others who have a differing opinion.

The other reason you get emotionally attached to your ideas is because they are connected to your habits. People develop habits when they experience a reward. What’s more, when you’re convinced that doing things another way won’t turn out as well, changing behavior is hard.

For example, I load the silverware handle up because I find it easier and less messy. While my wife insists everything gets cleaner when you put the handles down, I think the improvement is negligible, so I rarely do it. (Although, admittedly, she’s right.)

But I want you to remind yourself of something. Come on, say it with me: There’s more than one way to load the dishwasher.

How the dishwasher rule makes you a better leader

Keeping this principle in mind will make you a more emotionally intelligent leader. Yes, there are certain tasks and processes your people need to follow. But when you remind yourself to give others freedom and space when appropriate, you won’t micromanage; instead, you’ll recognize that it’s not bad to do things another way, especially if the job still gets done.

Not only is it not bad—it’s good, because it helps people feel safe and comfortable in the workplace. This is part of building an emotionally intelligent culture, one with trust and psychological safety, which allow people to enjoy their jobs more.

Finally, research shows that the more flexible and adaptable you are, you increase your abilities to:

• Get along with others
• Have healthy relationships
• Think critically and outside the box
• Successfully navigate challenges, bounce back from adversity, and generally be more resilient

So, if you’re like me, and you find that you’re overly attached to the way you do things, remind yourself: There’s more than one way to load a dishwasher.

As you do, you might find their way isn’t so bad after all—maybe even beneficial. And you’re becoming more emotionally intelligent in the process.

Want a collection of frameworks and tools like this one to help you better understand and manage your emotions? Check out The Rules of Emotional Intelligence.

You might also enjoy:

• The 25-5 Rule: How to Stay Focused and Reduce Distractions
• The Calendar Rule: How to Make Better Decisions and Motivate Others
• The Rule of the Chess Player: How to Show Empathy and Build Stronger Relationships

A version of this article originally appeared on Inc.com.