Try to Understand: How to Show Empathy

Showing empathy is hard. Here’s how to do it.

Hey ,

I want to share two stories with you. At first, they may seem totally unrelated…but in the end, you’ll see they teach the same point.

STORY 1
This week, we had trouble with one of our girls.

Upon coming home from school, she just wasn’t herself: Super sensitive. Complaining about everything. Even disrespectful.

I had enough. I started to have a stern talk with her, telling her that her conduct was unacceptable.

But then my wife gently took over.

She went into the room with our daughter, where they spent the next 20 minutes together. I didn’t know what they were talking about, but I could tell it was an emotional conversation.

Soon after, my daughter was back to herself: Smiling, gentle, respectful.

Later, my wife shared what had happened: There was a big fight between my daughter’s friends at school, and it was really affecting her. Because my daughter had the chance to talk it out, and because she felt that my wife was invested in understanding her, she was able to regain control of her emotions.

STORY 2
Chris was a new member of our team. He had started out with a lot of enthusiasm; but after a couple of months, he seemed disheartened. He definitely wasn’t his normal self.

Over a video call, Chris shared his feelings. He couldn’t understand why our team lead kept changing the requirements of our project, after he had already completed the work—meaning he basically had to start over from scratch.

“I can’t keep going like this,” he said, despondently.

I didn’t do much speaking in that conversation; I just listened. And when Chris was done sharing, I didn’t really provide any solution. I just tried to relate to how he felt.

“Well, thanks for letting me vent,” Chris said. “I definitely feel better.”

The setting and circumstances of each of these stories are very different. But they share two things in common:

1. Both my daughter and Chris’s behavior were fueled by underlying emotions.
2. The path to regaining balance involved listening and empathy.

This relationship management skill—the ability to empathize and help others feel heard—is invaluable both in the workplace and at home.

And here’s a simple, three-word framework to help you practice:

Try to understand
The “try to understand” framework is valuable because there is always a reason for a person’s behavior.

The more unusual that behavior is, the more likely it’s a cause related to stress.

For example, a person’s actions are automatically influenced by their:

• Background
• Culture
• Upbringing
• Habits
• Way of thinking

But their actions are also influenced by:
• How much sleep they’ve gotten
• Their nutrient intake
• Stressful situations they’re dealing with

So, how do you try to understand?

1. Want to understand.
In order to truly show empathy, you have to be motivated.

Why? Because showing empathy is hard work.

Trying to understand isn’t about excusing bad behavior. It’s about determining the root cause of a problem, so you can help the other person.

2. Invite the person to share.
Show genuine interest in the other person, and offer them a safe space.

You might say something like: “I can see you’re not yourself. I’m here if you feel like talking.” Or, simply, “Want to talk about it?”

3. Practice active listening.
As the person shares, listen carefully. That includes putting away your phone and giving them your full attention.

Active listening doesn’t mean you can’t speak at all. In fact, it can be helpful to draw out the other person by asking them to share more, or simply to mirror the last few words they say if they stop speaking.

Ex:

Them: “I just couldn’t believe it!”
You: “You couldn’t believe it?”
Them: “Yeah! I couldn’t believe he said it that way, you know? Like, all this time I’ve been…”

4. Validate the other person’s feelings.
When listening, resist the urge to judge whether what the person is saying is right or wrong. Instead, focus on relating to how they feel.

Use expressions like:

• “That must have been upsetting.”
• “You must have felt misunderstood/frustrated/disappointed.”
• “Wow. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

Expressions like these don’t mean you agree 100% with the other person’s opinion.

But it does show that you understand their feelings. And that goes a long way to making them feel heard, and creating a safe environment.

So, the next time you see someone who’s acting out of the ordinary, take a pause before you do something to make things worse.

Instead, try to understand.

Because you may not be able to solve every problem. But you can listen. And you can show empathy.

And most of the time, that’s more than enough.

Talk soon,
Justin